it's exactly 2 hrs and 14 minutes before Christmas day ends. since, i introduce a bit of anarchy in our household.. it's been celebrated differently. (hehe)
Christmas day is usually just another ordinary day, nothing really special. we are long gone in our dreams when clock strikes 12 but not today. of coarse, thanks to my good acting skills and award-winning performance for a daughter role, my parents bought it. (yes!)
i didn't really asked for something big. i just made an effort to spend time with family. we were singing the whole night while waiting for noche buena. (ehem ehem 98?!!?) i remember... "Stop in the name of Love, before you break my heart....." wahahahaha. i actually ended the song after that line and still 98?!!? (what the?! haha!)
we shared my cooked canton, fried eggs, cake, ice cream, puto bumbong, rice and mawawala ba ang Coke? :D woo sarap!
this mornin', we bring the component outside like we always every year so we can eat n celebrate outside (literally). honestly.... so we can hit the volume louder. (hihi) at first, my dad calls the shots on what will be played until after lunch i was proclaimed DJ. (bwahahaha!) started with dream sounds, slow jams and cool down music.. 2nd set list are the latest RnBs, pop, house mixes and ended with dance retro right before dinner. (haha!) i had a nyc time doing some steps with my sister again. i missed that. (awww)
hit the mic to take some rest. then dinner. then sang again. (adik!!!)
i missed my family. i usually realize that when this kinda day ends. i know iv been always too off specially nowadays or this year... but it didn't really mean anything less for them. i just got older, i guess and they got more older.... and patience is a virtue WE NEED to have. (haha!) like over dinner, just listening to their conversation irritates me once in a while... well, im already in acceptance stage coz iv been hearing them since lunch time. sometimes, i dnt really know which is harder... to be them or to be me? in the end, i ended up smiling.. tellin myself soon, they'll end this phase where patience is a virtue WE DON'T NEED to have. =p
i had a nyc Christmas day at home. with family. hope you are too.
"Christmas is not Christmas without its essence in your life"
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
santa, can u hear me?
santa can u hear me? i have been so good this year, and all i want is one thing..tell me my true love is near he's all i want..just for me, underneath my christmas tree i'll be waiting here, santa that's my only wish (next) year... (haha! inedit?!)
cute song. hehe.
so, the weekend is over. how was it? geez, i dunno. i was in a whole. hehe.
got 1 day out of it to call timeout.
nweiz, this is a happy post.
i just had a mini xmas party with my ofycmates and it was a blast.
i was late and that's not new.
hehe. i didn't had enough time to buy, wrap and dedicate my gifts so.. yah. took a while. :)
over songs and food overflow.
we reunited again.
story after story.
laugh after laugh.
gifts galore and more!
smiles are everywhere.
yep, we did miss one another.
awww, pasko na!!!
happy holidays everyone!!!!!
cute song. hehe.
so, the weekend is over. how was it? geez, i dunno. i was in a whole. hehe.
got 1 day out of it to call timeout.
nweiz, this is a happy post.
i just had a mini xmas party with my ofycmates and it was a blast.
i was late and that's not new.
hehe. i didn't had enough time to buy, wrap and dedicate my gifts so.. yah. took a while. :)
over songs and food overflow.
we reunited again.
story after story.
laugh after laugh.
gifts galore and more!
smiles are everywhere.
yep, we did miss one another.
awww, pasko na!!!
happy holidays everyone!!!!!
Friday, December 19, 2008
that thing i did today
hi.. let me tell bout a thing i did today... i push play today i didn't stop; paused but not stop... i wanted this one thing to happen. i already thought about it in my head... i attempted, tried and failed to think 3x or right on this thing.... that i did today. (3x coz i did think twice and i didn't really change my mind. bad. =p) so i went doing this thing until it was deadline. then reality hit me (i could even see conscience say "i told you so" or "karma") ....what was i thinking? or was i? (guess not!) ........i should hate myself. im a horrible person and friend at that.
something happened and it was not how i pictured it. i thought i had the perfect plan. i thought i already got a deal with heaven or christmas came early. well, we dnt always get what we want... don't we? from a series i thought i live up to one doctor said and where it got me? here with coffee, pen and paper. well, im glad i tried. rather say "what might have been?" now, i know. so, that's what they mean about doing something... haha! it's not me but i like that attitude, the excitement, liked the challenge. again, horrible person and friend.
actually this "karma" isn't over. i mighta just got myself into a deep whole again. might take a while before i come back. get back to you after the weekends.
u know that feeling when you know you are so wrong but you still dnt wanne be right. yea. that feeling. no, dnt say it. i know... i bump my head so bad. i have a disease. i should not do this.... i shouldn't. ughh..
It's tearin' up my heart when I'm with you
And when we are apart I feel it too
And no matter what I do I feel the pain
With or without you
Ibuhos na ang beer sa aking lalamunan
upang malunod na ang puso kong nahihirapan
bawat patak, anong sarap
ano ba talagang mas gusto ko
ang beer na ‘to o ang pag-ibig mo?
Pangarap ka na lang ba
O magiging katotohanan pa
Bakit may mahal ka ng iba
Ngunit di bale na
Kahit mahal mo sya
mahal naman kita
lang hiyang mga kanta yan.... sama mo na ung saktong kanta na migraine.
lech!
loosing sanity.
what is happening?
hinde mapigilang damdamin. wild.
dying to tell u feelin pare... pro f*ck di pwede. hinde!!!! oh hinde!!! (ok, OA na! =p)
lech! lech!! lech!!!
-121908:1354PM
something happened and it was not how i pictured it. i thought i had the perfect plan. i thought i already got a deal with heaven or christmas came early. well, we dnt always get what we want... don't we? from a series i thought i live up to one doctor said and where it got me? here with coffee, pen and paper. well, im glad i tried. rather say "what might have been?" now, i know. so, that's what they mean about doing something... haha! it's not me but i like that attitude, the excitement, liked the challenge. again, horrible person and friend.
actually this "karma" isn't over. i mighta just got myself into a deep whole again. might take a while before i come back. get back to you after the weekends.
u know that feeling when you know you are so wrong but you still dnt wanne be right. yea. that feeling. no, dnt say it. i know... i bump my head so bad. i have a disease. i should not do this.... i shouldn't. ughh..
It's tearin' up my heart when I'm with you
And when we are apart I feel it too
And no matter what I do I feel the pain
With or without you
Ibuhos na ang beer sa aking lalamunan
upang malunod na ang puso kong nahihirapan
bawat patak, anong sarap
ano ba talagang mas gusto ko
ang beer na ‘to o ang pag-ibig mo?
Pangarap ka na lang ba
O magiging katotohanan pa
Bakit may mahal ka ng iba
Ngunit di bale na
Kahit mahal mo sya
mahal naman kita
lang hiyang mga kanta yan.... sama mo na ung saktong kanta na migraine.
lech!
loosing sanity.
what is happening?
hinde mapigilang damdamin. wild.
dying to tell u feelin pare... pro f*ck di pwede. hinde!!!! oh hinde!!! (ok, OA na! =p)
lech! lech!! lech!!!
-121908:1354PM
Saturday, December 13, 2008
hey reality!
today, i woke up with sunshine beaming to my face. light emerge from my eyes as i try to open them. i knew then that i needed a new start. i have to wake up and not see storm in my window or even dark clouds. i pulled myself up, off my bed and went down.
downstairs, i said hi to my dad and my mom. went on straight to the kitchen to wash my face and make coffee. mornin! in my head, i tried to remember....
i know i told a million times myself that il stop being sad about all this but who am i kiddin' then? i needed to be sad for me to be happy. i needed to not be ok to be ok. it was a phase. it was a cycle.
a little over 2 weeks ago, i can still picture myself how was i. nowhere here. far away from all this and enjoying --- everything. i know i wrote the last 3 drama-inspired posts over my depression and frustrated feelings. drank a few for a couple of days. stayed quiet. acted like everything was the usual and hide in absence. i know im not a good pretender sometimes thus every time anyone asked "what's wrong?" i say, "nothing". i can't say it. im too chicken to get it over with or maybe i knew im going nowhere. i can't help feeling sorry and stupid and weak and shallow. damn it! like what my friend made me realize.. yes, it's hard being at the border. but u know, almost doesn't count. came 90 but 10 didn't. train left, im not in it. that time, i thought... i had "problems".
but wait there's more....
the week after this drama, life to me was like wheel of fortune. like my feelings depended on this magical roulette of chance that was really called reality. i was going with the flow. waiting for that roulette to stop and tell me what to do. one moment i was happy, one moment i was blue. one time i had a career and now it's gone. i had enough reasons to have a bleak outlook in my head and i can't give any excuse for it. my friend told me that straight. i was so down. like it really sucked to be me and i know it. i have the right answers and the right stuff to do but i dunno how to get a hold of myself. a number of people asked "how i feel?" i said, "gud question.." i just dnt know anymore. i can't seem to know which problem should i be sad about. there's too many of them. as if things were getting better and better everyday. it rained, it poured and i dnt have my umbrella. yea. im out there... somewhere in the middle. gone.
i needed a hug and lucky me, i got virtual hugs at least. the days i miss the people who hug me when something's wrong. ana.. mikey.. ed.. carl.. boogie.. uri.. awww... the warmth.
days passed by and i must say a little alone time helps. i have to do this. i have to. i need to do this. i gotta pass these emotional turmoil. logical, in short and right with this career thing. bigger problem at hand. bigger picture to paint. shake this sh*t off.
"Oh I want to get away I want to fly away Yeah yeah yeah" -- Kravitz
... coffee?
downstairs, i said hi to my dad and my mom. went on straight to the kitchen to wash my face and make coffee. mornin! in my head, i tried to remember....
i know i told a million times myself that il stop being sad about all this but who am i kiddin' then? i needed to be sad for me to be happy. i needed to not be ok to be ok. it was a phase. it was a cycle.
a little over 2 weeks ago, i can still picture myself how was i. nowhere here. far away from all this and enjoying --- everything. i know i wrote the last 3 drama-inspired posts over my depression and frustrated feelings. drank a few for a couple of days. stayed quiet. acted like everything was the usual and hide in absence. i know im not a good pretender sometimes thus every time anyone asked "what's wrong?" i say, "nothing". i can't say it. im too chicken to get it over with or maybe i knew im going nowhere. i can't help feeling sorry and stupid and weak and shallow. damn it! like what my friend made me realize.. yes, it's hard being at the border. but u know, almost doesn't count. came 90 but 10 didn't. train left, im not in it. that time, i thought... i had "problems".
but wait there's more....
the week after this drama, life to me was like wheel of fortune. like my feelings depended on this magical roulette of chance that was really called reality. i was going with the flow. waiting for that roulette to stop and tell me what to do. one moment i was happy, one moment i was blue. one time i had a career and now it's gone. i had enough reasons to have a bleak outlook in my head and i can't give any excuse for it. my friend told me that straight. i was so down. like it really sucked to be me and i know it. i have the right answers and the right stuff to do but i dunno how to get a hold of myself. a number of people asked "how i feel?" i said, "gud question.." i just dnt know anymore. i can't seem to know which problem should i be sad about. there's too many of them. as if things were getting better and better everyday. it rained, it poured and i dnt have my umbrella. yea. im out there... somewhere in the middle. gone.
i needed a hug and lucky me, i got virtual hugs at least. the days i miss the people who hug me when something's wrong. ana.. mikey.. ed.. carl.. boogie.. uri.. awww... the warmth.
days passed by and i must say a little alone time helps. i have to do this. i have to. i need to do this. i gotta pass these emotional turmoil. logical, in short and right with this career thing. bigger problem at hand. bigger picture to paint. shake this sh*t off.
"Oh I want to get away I want to fly away Yeah yeah yeah" -- Kravitz
... coffee?
Thursday, December 04, 2008
introducing noise
finally, i broke my silence. i shared to one of my closest friend what's going on with me. and damn, i knew it. she'll laugh at me. that's fine. i was laughing at myself anyway. what can i say. im a funny person. haha! btw, that felt good. the silence, being broken. just needed time. as we were discussing, i got a different opinion from her which was understandable and so i wonder. wonder.... wonder... and wonder some more.... kept on looking outside this cafe' window and still wonderin. maybe later with booze. (planning to try something new ;D)
actually, i already thought of that, like i told her and did it. there were a number of things that i made effort on. what can i do? could i have made it more clearer? maybe i should've done something else? what could that be? hmmmm.... or maybe im being too hard on myself to assume and ask and wonder more on my part. i dnt really know. did i did it too late? i guess i ask the hypothetical question too late?! haayz. well, life is life like what my friend say. sigh and smile girl. sigh and smile.
nweiz, as i am trying to continue on this entry... Christmas carols are playing..... aaaawwwww.... can i cry? hehe. what kind of Christmas would this be? for some time i had it clear. though now... exciting i guess. well, there are just 2 possibilities anyway.... recent events have showed that more likely we know which of the two but i would like to entertain a sense of unpredictability and hope for excitement. (yes, u can say it. im weird!) sometimes i dnt know myself too.
message. hey, i envy you. i do.
officially. goodluck to me. say "goodluck reg and merry holidays!!! " =p
actually, i already thought of that, like i told her and did it. there were a number of things that i made effort on. what can i do? could i have made it more clearer? maybe i should've done something else? what could that be? hmmmm.... or maybe im being too hard on myself to assume and ask and wonder more on my part. i dnt really know. did i did it too late? i guess i ask the hypothetical question too late?! haayz. well, life is life like what my friend say. sigh and smile girl. sigh and smile.
nweiz, as i am trying to continue on this entry... Christmas carols are playing..... aaaawwwww.... can i cry? hehe. what kind of Christmas would this be? for some time i had it clear. though now... exciting i guess. well, there are just 2 possibilities anyway.... recent events have showed that more likely we know which of the two but i would like to entertain a sense of unpredictability and hope for excitement. (yes, u can say it. im weird!) sometimes i dnt know myself too.
message. hey, i envy you. i do.
officially. goodluck to me. say "goodluck reg and merry holidays!!! " =p
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
you know what's hard?
you know what's hard...
when you are trying to do something for the first time and it sucks that you're not makin it
when you are required to learn and you just can't find the right drive
when you live too far from your friends and your address just blows
when you have parents who are right up your ass and they treat you like you're 7
when you realize that money is an issue
when you start being cheezy and mushy and all that. crap!
when you not have time on your team
when you want anything so bad and yet you have to tell yourself, "not today or never"
when you needed to be right than feel right
when you feel right but needed to be right
when you feel like screaming your heart out
when you face frustration hitting on you
when you challenge to be different
when you put up a fake smile and wave to the crowd like the usual
yea. these are a few... a few of the many things i can define hard. a few that i have already been. i can just imagine the torture!!! i do see a picture of me, miserable and quiet. yes, it's sad. im off my game. im so lost today. i always thought then that never would i be "you know what's hard" dramatic but here i am. eating my own words. being one of those... people. i should really laugh at myself, actually i am. im not even drunk and i wrote this. im nuts. i know. gotta admit and believe me, it gets harder. sigh. uugggghhh! aaaahhhhhh. fudge!!!!! hey you...... up there! c'mon help me. but hey, dnt worry. il get over it. i just need something new to do. so......
how does one make it stop?
tell me, how do i uncross the line?
how do you start quitting?
Ctrl + Z, pls. pls. pls...... work. (shet! crazzzzy!!!)
"aking napatunayan... na nsa huli... ang pagsisisi... pra bang gs2 kong umiyak... ngunit pra saan pa wala nmang magagawa....." --- could have took the risk but too late for that too. too much information sucks, damn it!
when you are trying to do something for the first time and it sucks that you're not makin it
when you are required to learn and you just can't find the right drive
when you live too far from your friends and your address just blows
when you have parents who are right up your ass and they treat you like you're 7
when you realize that money is an issue
when you start being cheezy and mushy and all that. crap!
when you not have time on your team
when you want anything so bad and yet you have to tell yourself, "not today or never"
when you needed to be right than feel right
when you feel right but needed to be right
when you feel like screaming your heart out
when you face frustration hitting on you
when you challenge to be different
when you put up a fake smile and wave to the crowd like the usual
yea. these are a few... a few of the many things i can define hard. a few that i have already been. i can just imagine the torture!!! i do see a picture of me, miserable and quiet. yes, it's sad. im off my game. im so lost today. i always thought then that never would i be "you know what's hard" dramatic but here i am. eating my own words. being one of those... people. i should really laugh at myself, actually i am. im not even drunk and i wrote this. im nuts. i know. gotta admit and believe me, it gets harder. sigh. uugggghhh! aaaahhhhhh. fudge!!!!! hey you...... up there! c'mon help me. but hey, dnt worry. il get over it. i just need something new to do. so......
how does one make it stop?
tell me, how do i uncross the line?
how do you start quitting?
Ctrl + Z, pls. pls. pls...... work. (shet! crazzzzy!!!)
"aking napatunayan... na nsa huli... ang pagsisisi... pra bang gs2 kong umiyak... ngunit pra saan pa wala nmang magagawa....." --- could have took the risk but too late for that too. too much information sucks, damn it!
migraine
Oo nga pala,
Hindi nga pala tayo
Hanggang dito lang ako
Nangangarap na mapa-sayo
Hindi sinasadya
Na hanapin pa ang lugar ko
Asan nga ba ako?
Andiyan pa ba sa iyo?
Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba 'ko sa'yo?
Aasa ba ko sayo?
Nasusuka ako,
Kinakain na ang loob
Masakit na mga tuhod,
Kailangan bang lumuhod?
Gusto ko lang naman,
Yung totoo
Hindi po ang sagot,
Ay 'di rin isang tanong
Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo?
Asan ba ko sayo?
Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo?
Aasa ba ko sayo?
Dahil 'di na makatulog (makatulog)
Dahil 'di na makakain (makakain)
Dahil 'di na makatawa (makatawa)
Dahil 'di na
Oo nga pala, hindi nga pala tayo
Hanggang dito na lang ako
Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Asan ba ko sayo?
Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Aasa ba ko sayo?
Nahihilo... Nahihilo...
Nalilito...
-- Moonstar88, Migraine
Hindi nga pala tayo
Hanggang dito lang ako
Nangangarap na mapa-sayo
Hindi sinasadya
Na hanapin pa ang lugar ko
Asan nga ba ako?
Andiyan pa ba sa iyo?
Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba 'ko sa'yo?
Aasa ba ko sayo?
Nasusuka ako,
Kinakain na ang loob
Masakit na mga tuhod,
Kailangan bang lumuhod?
Gusto ko lang naman,
Yung totoo
Hindi po ang sagot,
Ay 'di rin isang tanong
Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo?
Asan ba ko sayo?
Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo?
Aasa ba ko sayo?
Dahil 'di na makatulog (makatulog)
Dahil 'di na makakain (makakain)
Dahil 'di na makatawa (makatawa)
Dahil 'di na
Oo nga pala, hindi nga pala tayo
Hanggang dito na lang ako
Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Asan ba ko sayo?
Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Aasa ba ko sayo?
Nahihilo... Nahihilo...
Nalilito...
-- Moonstar88, Migraine
i started my day with my head, hurting.... it really hurts. i woke up 830. obviously i won't be making it by 9. i slept around 12mn. so it looks like 8hrs wasn't enuf. i drink coffee and took a bath. it was around 1030 when i left, i was in ayala by 12nn. then lunch?! KFC. wohoo! =p
as i was on my way to ayala. i heard this song... yes. i really like it. the song hit everything it can. and i knew then i was in for another level of brain crushing. (world, are u telling me something?)
nweiz, i took the great effort of getting through firewall just to download a copy, hack to my pc drivers and place it in my ipod. then it was the song repeating to my ears since hours and hours ago... haha! yea. im crazy!
what can i say?? i have migraine.