"i think i might have made you inside my head"
im not sure. but i will soon find out. i don't know if im prepared for that. but i still have to, at some point. i always write about you, sir. if you read, others won't get it. but you will. i hope you will. i write about our happy times, and of coarse vice-versa.
i don't know why i keep on doing this. maybe it's just what i do. unlike what the rest of the Universe expect for me to express, for certain topics i just can't. they are all locked inside my heart, where Universe is right. im all heart. one of my features that i still can't choose to be a good thing or not.
anyway, since i have that deficiency of courage to say things. tada! another entry. i know you're not just in my head. i know that i didn't just made you up. you're not some imaginary friend i never had from childhood. i know you're real, sir.
whenever we talk, im happy. whenever we see each other, im happy. near or far. often or not. everyday or every other 2-3 months. physically together or from a picture. messages, there are so many of them alongside moments. i remember them and i know it means something to me. a lot has already been told, some i've seen with my very eyes about the long shot im aiming with you. all the warning signs were there on my way here but can't escape the feeling of happiness that doesn't change and i don't get it.
im not saying i don't want this. i always feel this is right. this is worth it. there are times i get scared by i just say that. i don't stop. i tried for several months now to take it all back because i don't want to complicate your story in the end but obviously i wasn't successful --- i wasn't sure if i should keep on walking this side of the road but i still found myself waking after you. i guess, not until i reach the finish line. how? maybe im walking too slow or take on a different road. i don't know how or if that's even possible anytime soon. i never thought it would take me this long to do this. too long, i was able to push myself to be excited with the morning after or your dreams and your goals. life taught me to avoid making plans before but i see myself eating my own words. i have wishes for us. it's weird, like every other thing im doing lately. (for example, this one you're reading)
this may appear like im complaining, im not. or unhappy, im not. this is an interpreter of my unsung emotions, getting freed for the first time. so, forgive me for my choice of words. i don't know what im doing. i don't know what's next? i don't know if this is a good idea. i don't know if you will be able to read this. i don't know if you'll understand. i don't know if i turn out to be a girl out of hand for you or a stranger in the next few seconds. im not gonna ask you to choose. im not gonna ask you to tell me anything. actually, i don't intend these questions to be answered, that's not the point. im saying this because i feel that i need to do this before we start something new. before we start fulfilling our dream this saturday. i just wanted to be honest from this day. yes, this is about you, sir.
im saying i feel that i love you and i know that's what i decided, a long time ago.
