ah

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
******* ano ba to?! di ko kaya to!!!! f*ck! ayoko na! pano ba to pipigilan? pakset! pakshet! pakshet! anong ggwin ko?! pucha na yan! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. wala na! wala! wala! ang hirap! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
tigilan ako! noooooooooooo!!!!!!!! be-otch!!! ****@!#*@!#*!@#. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. erase! erase! erase! leche! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. takte! damn it! God!!!

this bad

Breaking Down Boulders
Contributed by cerulean (Edited by arwen)
Friday, June 15, 2007 @ 11:24:59 AM
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Was it all just a dream?

I stared at the row of cars in front of me as I blew hazy white rings into the night sky during my lunch hour. My mind was in a blank state. I didn’t want my traitorous thoughts to fall prey to the foolishness of my heart. Just for an hour.

But it seems a futile task because my thoughts force me to face the bitter reality that there is no chance in hell that we could evolve into something more than what we are now - friends. I felt the sting of tears as I chastised myself on my utter stupidity. I fell hard. I didn’t leave anything for myself. I didn’t even bother looking back to see if my shadow could catch up with me. I was arrested and now I’m trapped.

He was leaving for home the next morning. He said he couldn’t take the job anymore. We were call center agents a.k.a. phone monkeys so I understood him perfectly. Everything sucked except the money. I wanted to stop him from quitting but I didn’t say a single word. I didn’t have the right. Like Fiona Apple said, he just used my skin to bury secrets in. I was stupid to think that because he shared his dreams with me, he would someday give me his love.

The sudden tap on my shoulder brought me swiftly to reality. I rapidly blinked away the tears. At the corner of my eye, I saw him hunkering down beside me on the pavement.

“Hey,” I turned to look at him as he lit his cigarette. I don’t know how he does it but with him it’s an art form, “What’s up?”

I went back to staring at the row of cars and replied quietly, “Nothing”.

“You on break?”

“Nope I’m on lunch”. I took a puff of my cigarette and leaned my head on my knees. I was so tired. I knew he was going to talk about her again. Always her. The unattainable. His elusive butterfly. Lana.

“What’s wrong?” I heard the concern in his voice. He touched my shoulder and I felt each fingertip as if they burned imprints. I didn’t want to remember his touch. Good God grant me the bliss of amnesia.

“Nothing's wrong. I just have a slight headache that’s all. Don’t worry about it.” The lie sounded lame even to my ears.

“Not worry? You’ve used that excuse for the past few days. Weeks even. C’mon I’m not dumb. What’s going on?”

Silence.

But inside me, my mind was bursting.

If I told him how I really feel, he’d scram for the nearest exit. He would at first claim that he was different and promise that nothing would change but he’d still scram anyway. Slowly. Too slow for me to notice. Otherwise if I don’t tell him, I would again add the experience to my growing list of things I should have done but was too afraid to do. I don’t want to be a coward this time.

I breathed in a lungful of air and gathered my wits. “Do you think love is a choice or by chance?” His intense brown eyes peered at me. He didn’t respond for a long moment.

“It’s by chance. If you fall in love, you don’t exactly have a choice do you?” He had that far-away look in his eyes again. He was thinking about Lana. I had to look away.

“For me it’s a bit of both. A chance meeting with someone is still a choice. For example you met that person in the street; both of you chose to take the same route and when you bumped into each other, it became a chance encounter. You don't fall in love by chance. It's still up to you if you really want to love this person, murder charges and all or not. Our minds like to play tricks on us that's why we think we couldn't help falling in love. Contrary to what books and movies had us believe, love is a decision and not just a mere feeling.”

“I’m not going to argue with you on that. At some level, I agree with you. But what brought on this sudden insight?”

“It’s not sudden. I said that almost a year ago when a friend asked me the same question. I realized I wasn’t completely right. You can’t decide not to fall in love.”

“Is it so bad to let go and give in?”

I stared at him. I saw why falling for him was inevitable. He had a mystery about him, but it was always right there in front of me. I couldn’t probe deeper and I’m not sure I want to anymore. It was only with him that I learned of my capacity to give. It scares the hell out of me that I don’t think it’s enough. Talk about martyrdom. I know him well enough to know that he will never understand why he shocked me still.

“To fall in love is to create a religion with a fallible god. I don’t remember who spoke these words. It doesn’t really matter. What matters is that it is true. I did fall in love. But you are not fallible yet.” I saw the myriad of emotions that played on his face. Shock. Disbelief. Skepticism. Uncertainty. Amusement. He was too transparent. He wanted to laugh but one look at my grave face stopped him.

“You’re serious.”

“Yes.”

“But why?” The agitation in his voice was unmistakable. So was the pity in his eyes. I turned away and forced myself to go on.

“If I answer that then it would mean I quantified my feelings for you. I can’t explain it. It just happened. I couldn’t stop it.”

“I had no idea. If I knew, I wouldn’t have…that wouldn’t have happened.” Images and words flashed in my mind’s eye. Kisses. Embraces. Torrid hot nights. Illusions of love. I was in torment because I felt neither guilt nor regret and he felt both.

“I gave myself to you because I love you.” I whispered. I didn’t realize I was crying until I felt a strong arm pull me close and a hand wiping my tears away.

“I’m sorry,” he said after a few minutes of strained silence.

“Sorry for what? That you don’t love me? You don’t have to apologize for something that you don’t feel. I wish I could say it doesn’t hurt that you love her. But I can’t pretend anymore.” My breath clogged my throat. Swallowing my pride took more effort than running five miles.

He tipped my chin up and looked into my eyes, his face a tortured mask. “You’re special to me. You’re a very good friend. I love you as a friend. You’re one of the greatest people I’ve ever met! Nothing can take that away. But I’m sorry. I’m still in love with her.”

I felt each word stab inside me like a knife. Special. Love. Friend. Sorry. I closed my eyes in the hope that I would not feel the agony. Pain. It was already inside me.

“It’s okay. I understand. Like I said, you don’t have to apologize for something that you don’t feel and…for something that you do.” I looked down and saw my phone, seeing that my hour was almost up. My tears blinded me. It blew my mind that I relayed the devastating news to him in less than 30 minutes.

“I’ll try to get over you. For my sake. Don’t worry about me. Reach for the stars,” I said softly and got up.

I trudged my way inside the air-conditioned building. I looked behind me before I got in. His head was in between his hands. I felt bad for causing him distress. But I had to tell him. I knew I wasn’t going to see him again.

In the road of life, you may encounter a huge boulder that you think you can’t get past at. You hem and haw as to how you can solve the problem. If you succeed in rolling it away, you’ll have to deal with it again because it’s still on the road. If you break it down, the debris might kill you. So you cry and sit on top of the boulder, thinking of how you can destroy it and then forget you ever chanced upon it. But you can’t. The rocks in your life are there to remind you that nothing is perfect and you are only human. A journey isn’t a journey without conflicts along the way. All you can do is brush away the dirt and continue walking. Let go and move on.

Let go and move on.

I have to say that line a thousand times more for me to believe that I have the power to let him go.

#################

But for now I'll look so longingly
Waiting for you to want me, for you to need me
For you to notice me

-"For You to Notice" by Dashboard Confessional



-----------------------------------------------------
ok, ako nman. ang ganda noh. un lng... gs2 ko lng ishare. nabasa ko. misery loves company. pro ok lng ako! not that i can relate. not my story if i may add... this is not me. its not even that its this bad that i feel now... i mean why? right? there's nothing goin on with my lyf. no love. no lyf. so, why am i explainin? wtf?! anyway... so, i found this. hehe. ok, il shut up and im fine. absolutely.

gameover

every game has its winner and so you win.
fair and square.
no foul plays.
no cheating.
no coaching.
none whatsoever.
u had it.
i didn't.
i thought i did but no.
i was wrong.
maybe i was not playing hard enough.
maybe i got lazy.
or shouldn't have competed in the first place.
but hey!
its better to have played and lost than not played at all, right? (if u know what i mean)
so, congratulations, friend!


i hate to say it but... i told me so. damn it!

next tym?

sna next time kasama ka!! ;)
kht naiwan ko ang mem card at tanging phone ko lng ang pag-asa... nakaraos din ako sa pagkuha.
photoholic e. di pwedeng umuwi ng walang photo.
heto, tignan nyo.





















ano? pwede na ba kong photographer?
galing noh?!
for complete album reference.. click here.

ang masasabi ko lng

naniniwala na tlga ako na ang driver, sweet lover.
sabi ba nman nung isang driver kagabi....
PAG-IBIG. PAG-IBIG lng ang kasagutan.
shet. nasabi nya lng ng ganun.


Do you need to love?
Do you need to love?
Do you need to love someone?
Oh, do you need? (Oh, do you need?)
Oh, do you need? (Oh, do you need?)
Do you need...
Do you need someone?
-TSL

Ayoko ng Torpe. Ayoko ng Torpe. Ayoko ng Torpe. Pero gusto kita.
-HYP

Sana.. Wag mo kong sisihin.
Kung di ko kayang pigilin.
Sabi mo na mahal mo ko ngunit di nman seryoso.
Sana.. Mgkasing kulay ang drama at tunay na buhay ko.
Ang tanging pag-asa ko..
Ay nasa tambalang ito.
-IW

Coz maybe.
You're gonna be the one that saves me.
Coz after all.
You're my wonderwall.
-O

Just so you know
This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around, I can't let (her) win now
Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
I just gotta say it all
Before I go
Just so you know
-JMc


Malu Sevilla: ...Pag hinde mo sinabi yang naramramdam mo
Tony Gonzaga: Pagsisihan ko habang-buhay?!?
-My Big Love

Uhm... Sir. Mr. Wishing Buddha!! ung wish ko musta naman? hehe. ngtatanong lng. hihi. cge.
-Rege

i have to remember

The Starting Line - I Could Be Wrong lyrics
Artist: The Starting Line lyrics
Album: Direction
Year: 2007
Title: I Could Be Wrong

I sleep to outliving this way
cause i live so well everyone should be re paid
from all the east coast to west coast states
from the atlantic bench to the san francisco bay
but i'm really not to sure
how this came to happen
but i know that i'm not so concerned

because all i wanted was all i could take
and some stood up while the others had to wait
oh, i took my turn and i will state my case
but i could be wrong

from all the east coast to west coast states
i wanna feel the warmth from the buzz that i create
but i'm really not too sure
if it's ever gonna happen
but i know that i'm not too concerned

because all i wanted was all i could take
and some stood up while the others had to wait
oh, i took my turn and i will state my case
but i could be wrong

i could be wrong
yeah but i could be wrong

because all i wanted was all i could take
and some stood up while the others had to wait
oh, and i took my turn and i will state my case
i took my turn and i will state my case
cause all i wanted was all i could take
and some stood up while the others had to wait
oh, and i took my turn and i will state my case
oh i took my turn and i will state my case
but i could be wrong
yeah but i could be wrong
yeah i could be wrong

dirty little secret

Let me know that I've done wrong
When I've known this all along
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you

Tell me all that you've thrown away
Find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know

I'll keep you my dirty little secret (dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone
Or you'll be just another regret (just another regret)
Hope that you can keep it
My dirty little secret

Who has to know?

When we live such fragile lives
It's the best way we survive
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you

Tell me all that you've thrown away
Find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know

I'll keep you my dirty little secret (dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone
Or you'll be just another regret (just another regret)
Hope that you can keep it
My dirty little secret

Who has to know?

The way she feels inside (inside)
Those thoughts I can't deny (deny)
These sleeping dogs won't lie (won't lie)
And now I tried to but it's eating me apart
Trace this nightmare

I'll keep you my dirty little secret (dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone
Or you'll be just another regret (just another regret)

I'll keep you my dirty little secret (dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone
Or you'll be just another regret (just another regret)
Hope that you can keep it
My dirty little secret
My dirty little secret
My dirty little secret

Who has to know?
Who has to know?

;)
eto pa! eto pa! lubusin na ntin to!

Took a while to drag me out of bed,
Aim some coffee at my head,
Saw the clock Im running late,
Its an ordinary day.

And Im like a dog on head,
Knock one out and then fall asleep,
Its sad but true,
Id rather be with you.
Dont you forget about me,
When youre a celebrity,
It will be only you and me before too long.

So little time so much to do,
**Id rather spend my days with you.
So little time so much to do,
Id like to spend one day with you.
And if that day is not enough,
Maybe we can stay in touch,
But Im not making plans for tomorrow,
For tomorrow nevre comes.
**said Ive been celibate for years,
Not out of chance theres no-one here,
See I cant get my end away,
Another ordinary day,
And Id love to see a little more of you,
Your clothes would look better on my bedroom floor...bedroom floor.

Dont you forget about me,
When youre a celebrity,
I know youre busy,
But we all need somebody - before too long.

Its in your eyes, oooooh...

kung hinde ngaun, kelan?

i went to mass yesterday, because

its ash wednesday. we came in

later because we thought the

mass was starting at 7. we got in

and the gospel was already on.

the priest was doing a nyc job

and yet all i can remember is the

gist of what his sermon was

about... sabi nya: "kung hinde

ngaun, kelan?" hmmmmm... how

many times have i heard about

that? what does it mean to me?

well, seriously it only reminds me

of the things i've been wanting to

do but i can't, or won't.. yeah....

im not understanding him well ryt?

hahha! makasalanan tlga e noh...

nweiz, let me just finish this. im

sorry if that's all been coming in

my head but i can't help it. do i do

this or not? fudge! iv gone

confused again.... u know the time

when people tell you.. what you

don't know won't hurt you.... i

say.. YET.. won't hurt you YET!

this is torture for me... wish i

could be braver and just go do

it... even if i dnt know what it is

that i dnt know... im being

careless, and that's ok sometimes,

ryt? am i making a mistake? am i

thinking or not? should i? im all

screwed up here ha?! yeah, i

know... grabe.. sakit sa ulo! just

when i thought this time around it

will be easy... kung di nga nman

ngaun, kelan pa? hahha! but im

not that.. can't do it.. so much worries

...too scared.... and so i

gazed to my right, sigh... smile

and say: bukas na lng po, father!

maybe someday... :D

i had a dream

i had a dream last nyt and it was good. i feel good as i wake up in the morning. wish i could have continued on the dream or there was more to it. bitin!

i had a dream and it was nyc.
it was weird but it was really ok.
kinda confusing but i dnt care.
more on being bothering but i guess i just have to settle.
i woke up smiling and that's a big deal.
it gets to a different level if you get to dream about stuff coz its already in your subconscious.

i think i know why i had the dream i'm just not sure about what the message would be.
hope its something good and positive.

i cannot splurge all the details of what it was about because of the person concern (as if prang matter of life and death ano.. well hayaan nyo na ko! :D)

bsta masaya! im trying to think all good about it. keeping my fingers crossed. still waiting for buddha's response (sa isdaan, may buddha. un!) oo, malabo na nman. eh ganun e. (haha! baliw!)

anong ibig sabihin?

anong ibig sabihin kung may dos? may uno d b? pro nsa dos ka na...
anong ibig sabihin pag napa-ngiti kht wala?
anong ibig sabihin nung lumabo na lng bigla?
anong ibig sabihin na tinatago?

anong ibig sabihin kung akala ko ganito?
anong ibig sabihin pag hinde ako....
anong ibig sabihin nung ginawa ko?
anong ibig sabihin na pareho...

anong ibig sabihin kung kailangan gumising?
anong ibig sabihin pag mali?
anong ibig sabihin nung kahapon.....
anong ibig sabihin na iba ngaun......

sana ma-gets ko na.

"may isang buwan sa dami ang naisulat, higit pa. iningatan maski walang kwenta. isang araw nakita ko.. nako! talo! ang deep. di malampasan. nawalan ng silbi ang telepono. pano kung ang ibig sabihin ay iyon? paksiyet! olats. sobra."