I am not an artist or a dancer on television. I'm not special. I am the vibration through your fingertips in clinking wine glasses. I am the reason you smile eighteen different smiles while counting the crayons in your box set. The reason you can yearn for something is because of me. I am the muse of you want to be - every penny you've ever thrown into a fountain is my body. I am swimming in the ocean for the first time and getting salt up your nose. I am stepping on abandoned snail shells and preferring the green lollipop over orange. I am the reason you fill a blank page with everything you've ever felt. I am the movements in your cheeks and thighs when you race down hills. I am why you are able to be excited on Christmas. Love Christmas. I am the reason why you want to travel to Italy and London and New York and Brazil. I am how you perceive the world. I try to do my part. I am not time. I am how you'll never have enough of.
True.
Saturday, October 19, 2019
Tuesday, February 19, 2019
baka hindi
antagal ko ng naghihintay
hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan ko pa kakayanin
parang walang katapusan
araw araw paulit ulit
parang walang dadating
niloloko ko lang ata ang sarili ko
akala ko may maiiba
parang nagaaksaya lang ako ng oras
kakapangarap sa bukas
ito na yun? ito na ba un?
mainipin lang ba ako?
sa tatlong dekada mahigit..
mainipin pa ba ako?
wala ba akong ginawa?
kulang ba?
may mali ba?
ilang beses ako sumugal
ilang beses ako lumaban
ilang beses nasaktan
hindi ko maintindihan
hindi pa ba ako karapat-dapat?
ako naman
yung gusto ko naman
Monday, November 26, 2018
huli
Kung hindi rin lang ikaw ang dahilan
Pipilitin ba ang puso kong hindi na masaktan?
Kung hindi ikaw ay hindi na lang
Pipilitin pang umasa para sating dalawa
Giniginaw at hindi makagalaw
Nahihirapan ang pusong pinipilit ay ikaw
Kung di rin tayo sa huli
Aawatin ang sarili na umibig pang muli
Kung di rin tayo sa huli
Aawatin ba ang puso kong ibigin ka?
Kung hindi rin lang ikaw ang dahilan
Pipiliin bang umiwas nang hindi na masaktan?
Kung hindi ikaw ay sino pa ba?
Ang luluha sa umaga para sating dalawa
Bumibitaw dahil di makagalaw
Pinipigilan ba ang puso mong iba ang sinisigaw?
Kung di rin tayo sa huli
Aawatin ang sarili na umibig pang muli
Kung di rin tayo sa huli
Aawatin ba ang puso kong ibigin ka?
Naliligaw at malayo ang tanaw
Pinipigilan na ang pusong pinipilit ay ikaw
Kung di rin tayo sa huli
Aawatin ang sarili na makita kang muli
Kung di rin tayo sa huli
Aawatin ba ang puso kong ibigin ka?
(Kung di rin tayo sa huli)
Kaya bang umibig ng iba?
Aawatin ba ang puso kong ibigin ka?
(Kung di rin tayo sa huli)
Papayagan ba ng puso kong...
Aawatin ba ang puso kong ibigin ka?
Kung 'Di Rin Lang Ikaw
December Avenue
Pipilitin ba ang puso kong hindi na masaktan?
Kung hindi ikaw ay hindi na lang
Pipilitin pang umasa para sating dalawa
Giniginaw at hindi makagalaw
Nahihirapan ang pusong pinipilit ay ikaw
Kung di rin tayo sa huli
Aawatin ang sarili na umibig pang muli
Kung di rin tayo sa huli
Aawatin ba ang puso kong ibigin ka?
Kung hindi rin lang ikaw ang dahilan
Pipiliin bang umiwas nang hindi na masaktan?
Kung hindi ikaw ay sino pa ba?
Ang luluha sa umaga para sating dalawa
Bumibitaw dahil di makagalaw
Pinipigilan ba ang puso mong iba ang sinisigaw?
Kung di rin tayo sa huli
Aawatin ang sarili na umibig pang muli
Kung di rin tayo sa huli
Aawatin ba ang puso kong ibigin ka?
Naliligaw at malayo ang tanaw
Pinipigilan na ang pusong pinipilit ay ikaw
Kung di rin tayo sa huli
Aawatin ang sarili na makita kang muli
Kung di rin tayo sa huli
Aawatin ba ang puso kong ibigin ka?
(Kung di rin tayo sa huli)
Kaya bang umibig ng iba?
Aawatin ba ang puso kong ibigin ka?
(Kung di rin tayo sa huli)
Papayagan ba ng puso kong...
Aawatin ba ang puso kong ibigin ka?
Kung 'Di Rin Lang Ikaw
December Avenue
Saturday, September 29, 2018
hate reasons
how about this?
i hate the fact that most of the questions you ask is about work or some project. some serious or geek topic you just thought of or maybe you wrote on your notebook and you can't seem to stop to think about. i don't know why you keep asking me those questions like i'm some kind of an assistant or a person who just enjoys only those topics and would give you the right answer.
but then it also shows how you want it, how you work hard and push your idea. that's why i still keep on listening and answering your questions as much as i can. plus, you always come up with good ideas and i wanna cheer you anyway.
i hate the fact that out of the blue, you tell me things about you or what you did or ask my opinion on what you would do on a certain matter. like what i have to say counts and as if i'm part of those plans.
but even if doesn't. even if i'm the last person you told or ask, i've always appreciate that you did. because i never ask or expected you would. it gave me the chance to get to know you more and somehow, made me make plans with you.
i hate the fact that you rarely text and if you do, it's more than an hour later if it's a reply. you used to send me messages more often. i know you're busy. yet there's a few times that you just keep on replying with nonsense and smileys.
but you managed to make a message and honestly, that mattered.
i hate the fact that you always feel the need to call. do you know that we've talked in every possible landline i have? one time, you called me and woke me up.
but maybe you just really wanted to talk. anyway, i like hearing your voice.
i hate the fact that i like talking to you. that to me, we always have a good unique conversation or over the text, phone, email or messenger. i hate that i don't need to think about what i would say to you and we could spend hours talking about anything that comes in mind and how easy we can make up some stories on the fly.
but when we're not talking, i know i try to make every conversation i have with others to be more like ours.
i hate having you around before. it's a short time to compare to anyone. i get used to seeing you everyday. when we don't talk, i still get to see you on my way out. we get to have lunch or dinner. we get to walk together. bump into each other at the elevator. go on night outs. picture with friends. kulitan during short rides in the car. meetings. you were always there. sometimes, even if, not physically. on crisis. problems. on unexpected moments. you suddenly appear. i know you stalk me sometimes, i saw you. you really are weird. i think i get you. moments i didn't ask but thankful. moments that i hate coz they all stick. i hate having you around before.
but, i wouldn't really mind to have you around again.
lastly, i hate the fact that i've always known that i'm happy when you're around. and that i miss you. what could you have possibly done right.
i'm not being honest if i say otherwise.
so, in general.. i hate the fact that it's obviously hard for me to hate you. therefore, i won't.
but maybe i should love you a little less then maybe we can really be.. friends again.
is that the greatest gift or what?! happy birthday Sir! ;)
i hate the fact that most of the questions you ask is about work or some project. some serious or geek topic you just thought of or maybe you wrote on your notebook and you can't seem to stop to think about. i don't know why you keep asking me those questions like i'm some kind of an assistant or a person who just enjoys only those topics and would give you the right answer.
but then it also shows how you want it, how you work hard and push your idea. that's why i still keep on listening and answering your questions as much as i can. plus, you always come up with good ideas and i wanna cheer you anyway.
i hate the fact that out of the blue, you tell me things about you or what you did or ask my opinion on what you would do on a certain matter. like what i have to say counts and as if i'm part of those plans.
but even if doesn't. even if i'm the last person you told or ask, i've always appreciate that you did. because i never ask or expected you would. it gave me the chance to get to know you more and somehow, made me make plans with you.
i hate the fact that you rarely text and if you do, it's more than an hour later if it's a reply. you used to send me messages more often. i know you're busy. yet there's a few times that you just keep on replying with nonsense and smileys.
but you managed to make a message and honestly, that mattered.
i hate the fact that you always feel the need to call. do you know that we've talked in every possible landline i have? one time, you called me and woke me up.
but maybe you just really wanted to talk. anyway, i like hearing your voice.
i hate the fact that i like talking to you. that to me, we always have a good unique conversation or over the text, phone, email or messenger. i hate that i don't need to think about what i would say to you and we could spend hours talking about anything that comes in mind and how easy we can make up some stories on the fly.
but when we're not talking, i know i try to make every conversation i have with others to be more like ours.
i hate having you around before. it's a short time to compare to anyone. i get used to seeing you everyday. when we don't talk, i still get to see you on my way out. we get to have lunch or dinner. we get to walk together. bump into each other at the elevator. go on night outs. picture with friends. kulitan during short rides in the car. meetings. you were always there. sometimes, even if, not physically. on crisis. problems. on unexpected moments. you suddenly appear. i know you stalk me sometimes, i saw you. you really are weird. i think i get you. moments i didn't ask but thankful. moments that i hate coz they all stick. i hate having you around before.
but, i wouldn't really mind to have you around again.
lastly, i hate the fact that i've always known that i'm happy when you're around. and that i miss you. what could you have possibly done right.
i'm not being honest if i say otherwise.
so, in general.. i hate the fact that it's obviously hard for me to hate you. therefore, i won't.
but maybe i should love you a little less then maybe we can really be.. friends again.
is that the greatest gift or what?! happy birthday Sir! ;)
advance merry christmas, happy new year!
19-september-2013
Friday, August 24, 2018
dear lara jean
i totally get it. not that i will write or wrote those kind of letters (okay maybe another version of it and definitely not handwritten inside an envelope with address). anyway again, i get it.
i write about them too and as you can read, i also write to persons who i can relate to or maybe persons who validates me for being me. for being us.
i guess, i started like you. someone who gets scared when things get too real.. it’s a phase and like you, i got over it. i also learned to give in and feel all the feels when you feel it. it’s happy. and it always sound good to be told you’re not second best.
so... glad it all worked out for you. wish me to find my Peter? :)
i write about them too and as you can read, i also write to persons who i can relate to or maybe persons who validates me for being me. for being us.
i guess, i started like you. someone who gets scared when things get too real.. it’s a phase and like you, i got over it. i also learned to give in and feel all the feels when you feel it. it’s happy. and it always sound good to be told you’re not second best.
so... glad it all worked out for you. wish me to find my Peter? :)
Saturday, June 23, 2018
kapit lang
dear universe
hindi ko alam kung anong meron sa araw na 'to. pero kanina ko pa gusto umiyak. feeling ko kailangan ko lang magbawas ng lungkot. ok naman ako. nakapagtrabaho naman ako. may ilang bagay lang akong tinatamad gawin pero in general tingin ko ok nman ako. distracted? oo. pero ok ako.
inamats ko kanina yung mga kanta sa isang palabas na pinapanuod ko. gusto ko talagang umiyak. hinanap ko yung mga kanta kahit na luma na tumatagos talaga pero wala. merong muntik na pero hindi tumuloy. runner-up. play ko on-repeat.
naligo. nagkape. binalikan ko ung mga paboritong kong "iyakan pelikula" pero ayaw. walang luha. hanggang sa naalala ko ung isa sa mga recent na pinanuod namin. magaling akong mgresearch kaya tada! nakita ko and tama ako. ito na yun. 10 mins na iyakan.
(sa upuan)
J: Salamat!
C: Para sa?
J: Alam mo yung ano? Yung pakiramamdam na tingin ka lang sa kawalan. Pero hindi mo alam yung dapat mong maramdaman? Hinahanap mo dun yung damdamin. Kasi alam mo na pag nahanap mo na yun. Dun manggaling lahat. Lahat ng kaya mong gawin. Lahat ng imposible magiging posible. Dumating ka Celeste. Salamat!
C: Saan nga?
J: Kasi andito ka.
C: Tsk. Pina-iyak mo ko eh. Bakit ako umiiyak? Bat ako umiiyak? Sabi inom tayo eh. Bakit mo ko pina-iyak? I think we're drunk.
(sa kotse)
J: Alam mo pag matanda na ko. Yung uugod-ugod na. Tapos sana di pa ulyanin. Itong gabing to yung babalik-balikan ko. Tapos iisipin ko lang na.. Bakit kaya hindi kita, Bakit hindi kita nahalikan?
C: Gusto mo pa ko halikan? Nainlove ka na ba? Yung true love ha. Yung tipong hindi mo alam ung gagawin mo. Hindi mo alam kung ano yung nararamdaman mo. Tapos hindi ka makahinga, pag naiisip mo ung tao, babagsak yung tyan mo. Alam mo yun?
C: Tapos hindi mo alam kung anong kaya mong gawin kasi natatakot ka eh. Pero at the same time gusto mo gawin lahat. Kasi nga inlove ka. Naramdaman mo no ba yun? Ako ah gusto ko sana.. sa lifetime ko. Gusto ko mainlove ng ganun.
(huminto)
:-*
C: Sobrang perfect naman tong moment na to! Wag natin sirain to. Celeste and Jesse forever and ever. Taxi!
andaming dahilan bakit nakakaiyak tong eksena na to para skin. andami. nakaka-asar! may ilang eksena pa na susunod pero di gaya nito.
hindi ko alam kung anong meron sa araw na 'to. pero kanina ko pa gusto umiyak. feeling ko kailangan ko lang magbawas ng lungkot. ok naman ako. nakapagtrabaho naman ako. may ilang bagay lang akong tinatamad gawin pero in general tingin ko ok nman ako. distracted? oo. pero ok ako.
inamats ko kanina yung mga kanta sa isang palabas na pinapanuod ko. gusto ko talagang umiyak. hinanap ko yung mga kanta kahit na luma na tumatagos talaga pero wala. merong muntik na pero hindi tumuloy. runner-up. play ko on-repeat.
naligo. nagkape. binalikan ko ung mga paboritong kong "iyakan pelikula" pero ayaw. walang luha. hanggang sa naalala ko ung isa sa mga recent na pinanuod namin. magaling akong mgresearch kaya tada! nakita ko and tama ako. ito na yun. 10 mins na iyakan.
(sa upuan)
J: Salamat!
C: Para sa?
J: Alam mo yung ano? Yung pakiramamdam na tingin ka lang sa kawalan. Pero hindi mo alam yung dapat mong maramdaman? Hinahanap mo dun yung damdamin. Kasi alam mo na pag nahanap mo na yun. Dun manggaling lahat. Lahat ng kaya mong gawin. Lahat ng imposible magiging posible. Dumating ka Celeste. Salamat!
C: Saan nga?
J: Kasi andito ka.
C: Tsk. Pina-iyak mo ko eh. Bakit ako umiiyak? Bat ako umiiyak? Sabi inom tayo eh. Bakit mo ko pina-iyak? I think we're drunk.
(sa kotse)
J: Alam mo pag matanda na ko. Yung uugod-ugod na. Tapos sana di pa ulyanin. Itong gabing to yung babalik-balikan ko. Tapos iisipin ko lang na.. Bakit kaya hindi kita, Bakit hindi kita nahalikan?
C: Gusto mo pa ko halikan? Nainlove ka na ba? Yung true love ha. Yung tipong hindi mo alam ung gagawin mo. Hindi mo alam kung ano yung nararamdaman mo. Tapos hindi ka makahinga, pag naiisip mo ung tao, babagsak yung tyan mo. Alam mo yun?
C: Tapos hindi mo alam kung anong kaya mong gawin kasi natatakot ka eh. Pero at the same time gusto mo gawin lahat. Kasi nga inlove ka. Naramdaman mo no ba yun? Ako ah gusto ko sana.. sa lifetime ko. Gusto ko mainlove ng ganun.
(huminto)
:-*
C: Sobrang perfect naman tong moment na to! Wag natin sirain to. Celeste and Jesse forever and ever. Taxi!
andaming dahilan bakit nakakaiyak tong eksena na to para skin. andami. nakaka-asar! may ilang eksena pa na susunod pero di gaya nito.
habang umiiyak ako. may nagtext. yung kaibigan ko, may good news sya sa buhay nya. di ko muna sya nireplyan kasi asa moment ako pero masaya nman ako para sa kanya. masaya nman ako lagi para sa mga kaibigan ko sa ganap ng buhay nila or actually kahit sa kanino na nakikita ko na nagiging masaya. yung mga talent show na nabibigyan ng golden buzzer, naiiyak ako dun. minsan alam mo na yun yung kailangan nila eh. yung moment na yun, kaya pag nakita mo na nakuha nila.. yung saya nagiging nakakaiyak. di ka makapaniwala. di mo mapaliwanag yung nararamdaman mong saya.. at alam mo sa moment na yun, wala ka ng hinahanap pa.
si Celeste and Jesse, walang happy ending. di ko gusto maging mag-isa sa nararating ko. hindi rin naman ako ngrereklamo. tao lang din, mas gusto ko ng may kasama, kung meron.
anyway... sabi ng text ng kaibigan ko: Reg, kapit lang.
sabi ko: Kelan tayo mag cecelebrate?
si Celeste and Jesse, walang happy ending. di ko gusto maging mag-isa sa nararating ko. hindi rin naman ako ngrereklamo. tao lang din, mas gusto ko ng may kasama, kung meron.
anyway... sabi ng text ng kaibigan ko: Reg, kapit lang.
sabi ko: Kelan tayo mag cecelebrate?
Friday, June 01, 2018
dear aya
Hello! Gusto ko lang sabihin sayo na ang galing mo! Alam mo tama ka.. minsan ang hirap mahalin lahat ng taong dapat mo mahalin. Magulang mo, kapatid mo, pamilya mo, mga kaibigan mo.. minsan nakakapagod. May trabaho ka pa.. wala na halos natitira sayo. Nakakapagod na minsan ang dali mo lang maiyak. Pero kakayanin mo.. kahit mag-isa ka. Game!
Idol din kita eh.. parehas tyo. Parehas natin minahal yung taong sabi natin di natin mamahalin... pero sabi mo nga.. malaki na tyo alam na natin yung ginagawa natin kaya... sige okay lang. gaya ko... nasaktan ka. Ikaw, umalis. Ako, steady lang. umiwas. Ang tapang mo nung nagkita kayo ulit ni Sid. Maswerte ka nga inayos nya yung buhay nya, natagalan pero hinanap ka nya. At least.. nalaman mo. At least.. napasaya ka nya ulit. At least mahal ka din pala nya.
Siguro dun tayo nagkaiba.. hindi ko nalaman kung ano kami. hindi ko nalaman kung anong naramdaman nya. hindi ko nalaman kung masaya ba sya pag magkausap kami. Siguro kasi hindi ko tlga tinanong or kasi inassume ko yung sagot. Kala ko enough ako para one day baka marealize nya ako yung kailangan nya. Tumaya ako. Tumaya tayo. Mas malaking taya yun kung hindi love.. d ba sabi mo? pero hindi eh... hindi si Sid si Christian. Natalo ko.
Nakakabilib ka nung andyan na sya pero pinili mo pa rin yung iba mga taong dapat mong mahalin. Hindi ko alam kung anong iniisip mo nun.. tingin ko, hindi ko kaya yun. Feeling ko.. kung ako yun... deserve ko naman siguro maging masaya. Ako naman universe. Para skin naman. K! Thanks! Bye! Alam mo kasi Aya.. asa pelikula ka kasi. kahit pano binigyan ka pa rin ng happy ending ni direk.
Sa totoong buhay.... kung ano mang pagkakataon na meron ka para sumaya.. sasamantalahin ko. kahit sandali lang. kahit saglit lang. Yun ang pagtaya sa love, kahit talo ka. Tataya ka.
Wednesday, April 18, 2018
what do we do
G: so.. what do we do now that we've done the things we spent our entire life doing?
B: i guess, we do the next thing we'll spend our entire lifetime.
it is the ultimate question, isn't it?
what do we do?
what is the next thing?
because we gotta believe there's gotta be.
we gotta believe. just like the song. haha.
onward and upward.
B: i guess, we do the next thing we'll spend our entire lifetime.
it is the ultimate question, isn't it?
what do we do?
what is the next thing?
because we gotta believe there's gotta be.
we gotta believe. just like the song. haha.
onward and upward.
Tuesday, April 17, 2018
gun fight
i don't know what i'm doing
i'm staring at this screen for a long time now
i'm trying to pour my thoughts so i can get over it
throw some feelings.. para maubos
yesterday, i didn't do anything
and the days before that
and i'm feeling.. also today and the next days
not that i don't have anything to do
i just don't get the sense that i need to
why? why bother?
i did make time for Mr. O'brien
he makes me happy since ever
i'm not liking my teammates these days
i want this project over
i'm starting a new one soon
that would require discipline and a constant routine
i know it's helpful for me
but...
really...
why? why do this again?
i'm tired playing the part
i feel that i've worked hard enough to change it or not change it a few times
but it feels like it wasn't up to me or it was never up to me
looking back, don't i deserve a little saving and happiness, something new?
i'm not sure how to explain that further
so dear somebody, tell me what to do.
i'm in gun fight and i'm all out.
i'm staring at this screen for a long time now
i'm trying to pour my thoughts so i can get over it
throw some feelings.. para maubos
yesterday, i didn't do anything
and the days before that
and i'm feeling.. also today and the next days
not that i don't have anything to do
i just don't get the sense that i need to
why? why bother?
i did make time for Mr. O'brien
he makes me happy since ever
i'm not liking my teammates these days
i want this project over
i'm starting a new one soon
that would require discipline and a constant routine
i know it's helpful for me
but...
really...
why? why do this again?
i'm tired playing the part
i feel that i've worked hard enough to change it or not change it a few times
but it feels like it wasn't up to me or it was never up to me
looking back, don't i deserve a little saving and happiness, something new?
i'm not sure how to explain that further
so dear somebody, tell me what to do.
i'm in gun fight and i'm all out.
Wednesday, April 04, 2018
donna vs paula
donna is someone he calls when he needs someone
someone he makes interesting conversation with
someone who inspires him he can make it
someone who know puts him first, no matter what
paula is someone who seems right for him
she loves him, he looks like he loves her
she's good with his family, good with his friends
she's loving and dedicated
so..
i don't know who will win.
i don't know who i'd rather wanna be in.
but..
i know who i was in.
i know who already won.
someone he makes interesting conversation with
someone who inspires him he can make it
someone who know puts him first, no matter what
paula is someone who seems right for him
she loves him, he looks like he loves her
she's good with his family, good with his friends
she's loving and dedicated
so..
i don't know who will win.
i don't know who i'd rather wanna be in.
but..
i know who i was in.
i know who already won.