dear rosie

i envy you

im sorry. 

i actually already know about your story but i wanted to be reminded of it today

it's beautiful

il try not to cry this time

you are lucky to not be alone

to have a friend like alex

who is loyal and have always been there for you

someone who left but didn't really left

someone who you made dreams together

shared meaningful conversations with

you don't meet someone like that everyday

i know your dreams didn't came as plan because you became pregnant all of a sudden

with no husband

and you're bestfriend far away when you needed him

but the highlight is you became a mother 

what a joy! i dream to be one too

although your friendship have had its major challenges it turned out for the best. even if it took years for things to align, you did ended up together. maybe that's fate and you are blessed to experienced it.

you inspire me rosie.

thank you!

favorite take-away:

if you reject her now, she will

make it her life's mission to meet the perfect someone just to try and get over you and marry him. she'll tell herself she's happy but he won't be you. 

i will never know

1:43AM just finished watching Me Before You. You know it, i cried.

Anyway, so from grade school I always have this plan in my head for the events that's gonna happen in my life. school-work-wedding-family-business etc.

Of course, life is life and i can't really direct everything that's gonna happen. Although its nice to know something sometimes, to see a plan.

Some i did do, some were late, some i didn't do, some are not even close.

I'm not usually bothered by this but im getting the feeling that i need something big to change my life now and actually i don't know how to do it or if its even in my hands. 

Like what i always say, im used to doing things on my own.. i can do it all! (there are times, that i may need a push but i can cheer myself if need be)

Honestly, i think im doing a pretty good job at it. really good maybe.

So, i don't know if universe or God will still decide one day to give me someone to do things with. 

Maybe there is a lesson here i've yet to learn or there is still something that i need to prove to the universe or maybe this is punishment for my wrong doings.. i don't know.

If someone will come, then il meet him.

If there's none, then there's nothing new.

This particular plan, i will never know... 

I don't want to get my hopes up. 

with a little help of my friend

Today, i breakdown.
Tears came fallin.
I know I can't last in the crossroad. I can't stay lost.
I had to tell one of my besties my thoughts
She was actually busy today but because she said: 

"Magkwento ka lang dyan. Magrereact naman ako. I can do it all."
We talked. 
She told me that its a nice thing that i have options
She wanted me to be brave to not be scared and not to worry
Put my best effort and take all the choices i got
That I am lucky to have choices
She'll support whatever it is that i want to do
And most importantly she believed i can do it
I knew she's gonna say that
but it is really better to hear it

Ang exact words nya ay:

"You have options. Di ka pa lang ready alamin kung ano talaga gusto mo. :-)"

In a way, she helped me get to a decision and eliminate some of the roads
She got me to a first step that lead me to the second step.

"You need a distraction na may end goal."

She gave me one. She supported one of the roads.

I felt better. A lot better.

Again, thank you Clarissa! 

crossroads

I don't know what I am feeling right now but i thought maybe I try writing it up.
I'm really uninspired these days, like I'm tired of everything but I'm unsure.
I don't feel like going to work. I don't feel like finishing my on-going projects. I don't feel like talking to my team about next projects.
So, it seems that I'm not liking work right now.. Is it just my office?
Do I think, I wanna try moving to a new environment instead? or... do I stop?

On the other hand, I have this chance on a big opportunity coming up (actually tomorrow) that I am interested to pass.
I am suppose to review and prepare but then again. I'm feeling lazy and again, uninspired.
I'm not sure if its about worrying about the odds of me getting it or the scenario when I do get it.
I will go away for a while for this, maybe a year (if I can even last for a year)
I know me. I will miss my people but besides that me being emotional, everything seems to be ok. This is a big career step for me, that is a good thing.
But then as I am not sure about tomorrow, I could pretty much fail this chance.
In that event, what do I do then?
Do i try other opportunities like that elsewhere? or do I stop?

Another part of me wants to entertain that idea. Stopping.
Focus on what I really wanna do, something that I will be inspired with everyday.
Well in a perfect world, I can do that yesterday and nothing will be an issue.
But it is not a perfect world, I need to work. I need to earn.. to save to get to do what I want to do.
I have something now but i don't know how far will it get me... then again I may have friends who can help me with this. Planning will be tough.
Should I start this now? Is this the year? I actually thought I can make this my birthday gift.

I'm sorry, I still need to write more.
I also want to travel. Travel alone. Maybe more than a month this time.
Or I could go for Europe and try that. Or elsewhere on my list.
To get away from it all.

I know the mission is for us to always goal something in life but I'm really lost right now.
I don't know what to goal.

Ugh. I really don't know where my hearts at here.
It's like i know I'm ready to start a fresh chapter of my life but nothing is happening.
Nothing is happening because I'm being lazy or nothing is happening because nothing is happening.
I read something from a friends' instagram post. I won't get to the complete post but it tells you to "pray about everything". I know i haven't done that much lately but God knows me. I kinda think that I've always been self sufficient that I'm pretty tough, I can make it on my own. I can deal. I pray for others instead. (true story)
Well, a little help this time will be appreciated. Pls. God point me to a direction.
I need to go somewhere, can't stand in a middle of a crossroad. It's dangerous.


 

i try

Just a short segway..
"I could not be a woman who thinks something is happening but it is not happening..." - Susan Doyle (Scandal)

You're definitely right girl, we're too old for that shit.

Back to the topic..
This song was release 1999, well I was really young then to really understand the lyrics.
Yesterday, I came by this song and get to.. well.. feel the song.

"I Try"

Games, changes, and fears
When will they go from here?
When will they stop?
I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together, babe,
But we're not

I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you
I'll keep my cool, but I'm fiendin.

I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

I may appear to be free,
But I'm just a prisoner of your love
I may seem alright and smile when you leave,
But my smiles are just a front, just a front

I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you
I'll keep my cool, but I'm fiendin

I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

Here is my confession
May I be your possession
Boy, I need your touch,
Your love kisses, and such
With all my might I try,
But this I can't deny, deny

I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you
I'll keep my cool, but I'm fiendin

I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near 

no waiting

no, im not waiting on someone this time

which is definitely good for me

so, good job me!

there is no one for me to wait for

im not even waiting on myself

i already know how to get pass things better

so i could move on the next thing in my life

an issue comes in, i deal with it with maximum effort

plus an extra mile

then let go

finish or not finish

like the presidential debate on timer

im not waiting for answers when clearly there is none

no waiting on questions because we don't need to always know

stop waiting on challenges because sometimes i deserve a chillax day

i know it looks like im waiting for forever but that is not the case

maybe forever is not ready for me

so, yes. im not waiting. 

im ready for whatever..

im game!

bahai

baha'i how are you doing? 

so i discovered a new faith recently which is called baha'i (go! google it)

i must say, i get their teachings.

what they're doing is really humbling to the heart especially one guy called Justin Baldoni (the one from Jane the Virgin ---great show)

their faith gives me a nice sense of inspiration to find that there are people like them, who maybe not with you in the same faith but you will fully understand with no side debates. 

really amazing. 

channeling adele

yesterday, i just felt the need to cry and for some odd reasons....  i can't do it.
i wanted to but i can't. just cry. (sounds crazzzy i know)
i know it will make me feel better.
yes, i was sad about something or someone.
i thought about trying to find my cry movies but nothing high up the bar was on TV and i was too lazy to find it in my file. i tried youtube but can't seem to find the right video.
so, i turned to... adele.

oops.. before that, i had to google: saddest songs adele
there were a lot of results complete with videos, explanations, comments, lyrics.

i  agree and disagree on the people's choice from the internet
one of my friends' recommendation: "all i ask" is definitely a sad sad song. i know why she picked it.
for me, these 3 did the job: someone like you, chasing pavements, make you feel my love

guess, if you need to be sad. get it over with and be sad.
adele helps.