today, i woke up with sunshine beaming to my face. light emerge from my eyes as i try to open them. i knew then that i needed a new start. i have to wake up and not see storm in my window or even dark clouds. i pulled myself up, off my bed and went down.
downstairs, i said hi to my dad and my mom. went on straight to the kitchen to wash my face and make coffee. mornin! in my head, i tried to remember....
i know i told a million times myself that il stop being sad about all this but who am i kiddin' then? i needed to be sad for me to be happy. i needed to not be ok to be ok. it was a phase. it was a cycle.
a little over 2 weeks ago, i can still picture myself how was i. nowhere here. far away from all this and enjoying --- everything. i know i wrote the last 3 drama-inspired posts over my depression and frustrated feelings. drank a few for a couple of days. stayed quiet. acted like everything was the usual and hide in absence. i know im not a good pretender sometimes thus every time anyone asked "what's wrong?" i say, "nothing". i can't say it. im too chicken to get it over with or maybe i knew im going nowhere. i can't help feeling sorry and stupid and weak and shallow. damn it! like what my friend made me realize.. yes, it's hard being at the border. but u know, almost doesn't count. came 90 but 10 didn't. train left, im not in it. that time, i thought... i had "problems".
but wait there's more....
the week after this drama, life to me was like wheel of fortune. like my feelings depended on this magical roulette of chance that was really called reality. i was going with the flow. waiting for that roulette to stop and tell me what to do. one moment i was happy, one moment i was blue. one time i had a career and now it's gone. i had enough reasons to have a bleak outlook in my head and i can't give any excuse for it. my friend told me that straight. i was so down. like it really sucked to be me and i know it. i have the right answers and the right stuff to do but i dunno how to get a hold of myself. a number of people asked "how i feel?" i said, "gud question.." i just dnt know anymore. i can't seem to know which problem should i be sad about. there's too many of them. as if things were getting better and better everyday. it rained, it poured and i dnt have my umbrella. yea. im out there... somewhere in the middle. gone.
i needed a hug and lucky me, i got virtual hugs at least. the days i miss the people who hug me when something's wrong. ana.. mikey.. ed.. carl.. boogie.. uri.. awww... the warmth.
days passed by and i must say a little alone time helps. i have to do this. i have to. i need to do this. i gotta pass these emotional turmoil. logical, in short and right with this career thing. bigger problem at hand. bigger picture to paint. shake this sh*t off.
"Oh I want to get away I want to fly away Yeah yeah yeah" -- Kravitz
... coffee?
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