answers to your questions

first off, i posted my old draft posts because i realized they were good and why not publish.
moving on..
as i get older, these questions are just on repeat. i hope people can realize its not really easy to answer them... but fine i will answer them now for the first and last time.

When are you getting married?
I'd love to do that, i think i had homework plans since 3rd hs so trust me, all good on my side.
All that is left... I need a fiance.
Are you in a relationship? No.
What is happening? Your dad has been waiting.. (famous line from an Aunt)
Life is happening and I wish I have control over this relationship topic for the most parts but I don't.
It's two consenting adults and I'm one of two. Sometimes you just can't get what you want.
I have to stop thinking about what could have I done better.
So...
So what.. I can't make anything happen on my own and I think I tried a lot of options already. Even the hopeless ones. Universe is not saying yes. Things are not falling into place. Stars are not aligning.
Do you not want a family? You're getting older.
I wanted to be a mom earlier than I wanted a wedding. When I saw the movie backup plan.. gave me more validation that I can be a mom first. Lately, I've been thinking about that a lot, on and off for the past year. God knows I'm really good at research and I did quite a few already.

But.. the mechanics of it all is not all that is needed. I have to figure out, how to explain to my child where his/her daddy is.. (already have ideas) I question myself, do i want to do this alone? I mean, of coarse there would be family and friends to help but this is my own family and it might be just me and the kid (or kids if I'm lucky) forever.. I still want a husband and a father for my kids. And it's not fear or stress that is keeping me or that ideal family setup that is putting doubts in my head in doing it alone, it's really bigger than that. I can definitely do this by myself since yesterday but there's already a lot that I did on my own and I still like to believe that this is not one of them.  (but ask me again next year.. or the year after that)
Are you even taking good care of yourself? You should always be presentable. You can't grow old single.. what would happen to our family?
Yes, though its a struggle to focus on yourself because I kinda don’t know how to... I've always been good taking care of others. So, it's an everyday process. 
I don't want to grow old single and you have to believe me on that. (it makes me cry sometimes)
I think so far, I've been doing a good job with the family. I'd love to check all your boxes but maybe you all just have to wait some more like I do. 

2011: Slam

“Love doesn’t happen in an instant. It creeps up on you and then it turns your life upside down. It colors your waking moments and fills your dreams. You begin to walk on air and see life in brilliant new shades. But it also brings with it a sweet agony, a delicious torture.”

—	Slumdog Millionaire

(a bit of a narcissist at the end but got me grinning when you think about it. so true.)

2012: shiver

Made a mistake to look into your direction
shiver.
Avoiding
Imagining
Forgetting
Being caught
shiver.
Walking
Eating
Laughing
Talking
shiver.
Writing
Watching
Listening
shiver.

2011: Happiness for Dummies

Happiness Engineering
Mar 17, 2011 | General Nonsense | Permalink

It occurred to me recently that I have developed quite a few tricks for engineering my own happiness. Allow me to share a few. Some are more obvious than others.

Food - Observe your own mood, and that of others, in the context of how recently they have eaten. If there's a hothead in your circle, notice that his anger is greatest before meals, when hunger is highest, and rarely does he explode during meals or just after. When you feel agitated, try eating some carbs. They're like a miracle drug. I suspect that anger is evolution's way of telling you to go kill something so you can eat.

Exercise - When I've exercised in the past day, almost nothing bothers me. And I sleep like a pile of moss. If you think of exercise in its usual way, as one component of health, or as a way to lose weight, it's easy to skip your hour at the gym. If you think of it as the difference between a good day and a bad day, it's easier to make it a priority.

Goals - I make it a habit to have at least one project brewing at all times that has a non-zero chance of changing the planet, or making a billion dollars, or both. Creating Dilbert was just one out of several dozen projects of that nature. As I write this, I have plans for Dilbert.com that would uncap its potential while helping a number of other people at the same time. That's a good feeling to wake up to. I've also contracted with an Indian company to turn one of my ideas into a website prototype that could change the nature of advertising. Or not. Probably not. The point is that it feels good to know it's there. When that project doesn't work, I'll put another dream into the slot. (I don't put much time or money into the long shots.)

Meaning - If you're young and you haven't yet achieved some level of success by your own standards, by all means make yourself your own first priority. You can't help others until you first help yourself. If you reach a more comfortable level, you'll find you need to be useful to others in order to find meaning and feel right in your own skin. That doesn't mean giving everything away. It's okay to pick your spots. You don't need to suffer in the process.

Positivity - The self-help gurus will tell you it's important to have an ongoing positive dialog with yourself. Lots of books have been written on this topic. All I will add is that you might be completely unaware of how negative you are. Many people make the mistake of incorporating negativity in their humor and thinking the outcome is a net positive. That takes the form of reflexively commenting on what's wrong with, well, everything. I used to be that guy. It was a habit I picked up from my mother. I thought I was being funny. An ex did me the favor of pointing out that I was actually just being an asshole. All the time.

Luckily, this is one of the easiest habits you can ever break. Now I make it a practice to think or say something positive immediately after I let slip a negative comment. Saying positive things puts your mind into a positive state. And when you become that guy, you attract positive relationships and positive outcomes.

A Little Bit of Danger - I don't recommend taking physical risks. But you'll feel more alive if you make it a habit to try new things, even if those things scare you a bit. I'm talking about small risks, such as signing up for an activity you know you will be bad at, or joining Toastmasters International (to give speeches), or sampling the unknown in some other way.

Learn - Feed your brain. The more active your brain is, the more alive you will feel. As a bonus, learning new things can be just the distraction you need to keep your mind from focusing on whatever else in your life is bugging you.

Feel Success - Make it a habit to often do things you do well. It doesn't matter if your best skill is golf or cooking or business or being a parent. Doing one thing well gives your ego some armor to handle all of the little things that don't go quite so well during the week.

Relationships - It's hard to be happy if you don't have whatever sorts of relationships in your life that work for you. The only advice I have in this area is that following the other tips for happiness will allow you to attract the sort of relationships you want.

That's a starter list for happiness. I don't think it contains any surprises. But sometimes it's nice to remind yourself that your happiness can be engineered, and that luck is a product of good design.

2008: singing my heart out

once upon a time, i created this cd. it's a compilation of sorts for someone we shall not name. from the cd, there exist a song. a phrase in the song reminded me of the this certain cd. i've forgotten how much i like it.. been singing it the whole night... or should i say mornin... haha!

...It doesn't take a genius
To read between the lines
And it's not just wishful thinking
Or only me who's dreaming
I know what these are symptoms of
We could be in love......

this incedent compelled me to think of old songs i like... so i tried to concentrate on my ipod. (u know i got them all mixed up in here) ok, ok, il fix my playlist soon.

I can't take the distance
I can't take the miles
I can't take the time until I next see you smile
I can't take the distance
And I'm not ashamed
That with every breath I take I'm callin your name
But I can't take the distance
--The Distance, Evan and Jaron

Why does Monday, come before Tuesday
Why do summers start in June
Why do winters come too soon
Why do people fall in love
When they're always breaking up, oh why
Why do we love if love will die
--Why, Michael Jackson & 3T

You took me right out of the blue
Simply by showing that you love me too
Only by giving me your everything
With a love so true you took me out of the blue
--Out Of The Blue, MLTR

these are a few...... hehe.

2009: New Year

as i start the year right this first day. i look back on the year that ended...

remnants of last year...
(from my phone notes and blog drafts)
- Fone Note: Zda142
looks like a password, san kaya? =p
- Fone Note: oo na! inaamin k na.. pakshet! oo na!
uhmm. no further comment.
- Fone Note: pr0xy.kilu.de
waahahaha... walang kwenta
- Fone Note: oh bummer! i do hate myself sometimes. hate u reg. hate u.
ay ewan ko ba!!!
- Fone Note: Chili's Bar n Grill 8672723
last days.


- Blog Draft: Isang pipi at Isang Bulag, humarap ako sa kanya, bulag. humarap ako sa salamin, pipi.
- Blog Draft: Singing my Heart Out, reminiscing old school songs. it's tearing up my heart feelin.. kanta tyo!
- Blog Draft: Kwentong Lasing, takte, pare! natatakot ako. pucha! pigilan mo ko. langya nman, ayoko n2.
- Blog Draft: Disturbia, do u know what ur doing? i don't. i don't know what im doing.

**Actually, madami pa. Again, no comment.


in a more serious note..
- i met a lot of friends. and i mean a lot. i just realized that i have more boy friends than girls and that started in college. good thing or bad? u can judge.
- i did a major career decision last May. left a 4yr relationship with my first job. i miss my friends there.... Ortigas. Shang. (specially the cinemas) Metrowalk.
- i found a new work place in Makati and it's been fun. gave me the time to do more on my social and biz life. this is the life! working smart not hard. :)
- i'v been in Chicago.
- i met a new inspiration with hmmm... mr. dark shades?!?! ;) a reason to smile ------ but that needed to end before the year ended (aawww, still workin on it though.. maybe a gud new year's resolution. uncrossing the line is hard work. haha! )
- i was able to help a lot at home financially and physically :D bought some coolness stuff for the house. planning to finish redecoration if not renovation this year.
- i saved ok.
- i enjoyed last year. i feel more matured, decisive and frank. more talented. haha! in short, its a new and improved me that hopefully will be continued this year. (ehem! ehem! pgbigyan nyo na ko. =p)



TO DOs...

2012: the backup plan

the plan is to have no plans
believe it or not i don't plan things
i learn the hard way to not trust on them
to never get my hopes too high
it may not seem right but it works for now
i know it's not easy
like skipping the good parts
it's sad
and i don't like it
but what can i do?
i'm only a co-writer in these plans
it took a lot of time for me to get here but im here
it's cheesy i know
but i have many plans for us, for you
plans are harder to let go than promises
and i still chose it
i have no backup plan.
so, you game for our first plan? ;)

2008: kwentong lasing

takte, pare. anong ibig sbhn nun? aminin mo nga skn. d k b naintndhn o ayoko lng intndhn? natatakot ata k pare.. o nppraning? pare, tama ata ako. madali ng maging mali pro mhrp mgng tama e. hinde tama ang tama ngaun e. malakas ang tama ng tama. gs2 kng mgng mali.

aaaaaaahhhhhh. oo na. oo na. nahulaan mo na cguro pare. kilala mo nman ako. siyet to. lam mo pasensya na pro sasabhn ko to. wag nman, pare. sinabi ko na syo. wag ngaun pare. wag. hinde gn2. hinde tama. hinde dpt. leche, ito na nman ata ko. pro pare d k mpgilan, pucha! ano ba to? langya nman ayoko ng gn2. pnsskt k ang ulo k. pnhhrpn k ang sarili k. pare, masukista ang tawag ata dun?

naiintndhn m b k? alam m ba kung anong sinasbi k? sabihin mo nga.. OA ba k? pano kung d gaya ng sine, ako ang pipi at sya ung bulag. anong ggwn k? pare, ano? .....ano?

(may not be a true story)

2008: isang pipi at isang bulag

masisisi mo ba ang bulag kung di nya nakikita ung pipi?
masisisi mo ba ang pipi kung wala sayang masabi sa bulag?

tama bang asahan nung pipi ang bulag?
tama bang asahan ng bulag ung pipi?

buti pa ang bulag, wala syang nakikita kaya wala syang alam, walang naiintidihan, walang paki-alam
di gaya ng pipi na alam ang lahat pro walang masabi at walang masabihan

masaya tignan ang pipi, mas normal
ngunit mas malungkot, mas mahirap
malungkot tignan ang bulag, kakaiba
ngunit mas masaya, mas walang kaba

ganun ang buhay
hinde perpekto
hinde paraiso

humarap ako sa kanya, may isang bulag
humarap ako sa salamin, may isang pipi

2013: i confess

ok fine. i admit it. i am lonely. i think i do a good job to not be. to push it away, set it aside... focus on work, other work, more work or movies, netflix, sometimes i travel.

but.. you know i’m only human. i can’t be all that strong. someday this feeling just gets the better of me and i cry and i cry some more. maybe because it seems that i can offload them and i’d feel better. 

i’m sorry if this is just sad. (offloading again) 

i’m sorry that up to this day i haven’t really been ok being alone. i know i’ve been doing it for a while and i don’t know why i’m failing right now. 

maybe i’m tired. maybe i’m angry. maybe i’m jealous. maybe i’m frustrated. or maybe i just don’t get why and i need to know why. so.. i can do something about it. 

because i feel i don’t deserve this feeling. and if im wrong and i do deserve it, i wanna know.  so i can move on to whatever is next. i don’t want to prolong this. 

2013: the dark right side

I am not an artist or a dancer on television. I'm not special. I am the vibration through your fingertips in clinking wine glasses. I am the reason you smile eighteen different smiles while counting the crayons in your box set. The reason you can yearn for something is because of me. I am the muse of you want to be - every penny you've ever thrown into a fountain is my body. I am swimming in the ocean for the first time and getting salt up your nose. I am stepping on abandoned snail shells and preferring the green lollipop over orange. I am the reason you fill a blank page with everything you've ever felt. I am the movements in your cheeks and thighs when you race down hills. I am why you are able to be excited on Christmas. Love Christmas. I am the reason why you want to travel to Italy and London and New York and Brazil. I am how you perceive the world. I try to do my part. I am not time. I am how you'll never have enough of. 

True.

baka hindi

antagal ko ng naghihintay

hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan ko pa kakayanin

parang walang katapusan

araw araw paulit ulit

parang walang dadating

niloloko ko lang ata ang sarili ko

akala ko may maiiba

parang nagaaksaya lang ako ng oras

kakapangarap sa bukas

ito na yun? ito na ba un?

mainipin lang ba ako?

sa tatlong dekada mahigit..

mainipin pa ba ako? 

wala ba akong ginawa?

kulang ba?

may mali ba?

ilang beses ako sumugal

ilang beses ako lumaban

ilang beses nasaktan

hindi ko maintindihan

hindi pa ba ako karapat-dapat?

ako naman

yung gusto ko naman